Tainted Love
by Cobalite
Summary: In the future, mistakes are made, and only love can correct them.
1. Prologe: Flo (Season 4)

****

Author Notes: Since you people freaked when I wrote the CBM/LSCLV/BTG trilogy I'm reconfirming my B/A shipperness. I know this song isn't exactly right, but it's as close as I could get. Riley thinks about the inevitable ending of their relationship. Post-Who Are You? only. Please know that Riley and Angel haven't met yet.

****

FLO By Cobalite Ice

Every time I listen to this song, I think about whether or not Buffy is just playing with me. She told me about Faith, but I know she's skipping something. Then, there's that look she gets when anyone mentions 'the bad stuff' her sister Slayer did. I get the feeling she did the last guy too, or tried to. She won't buy the new Melissa Etheridge CD, or Sarah McLaughlins.

YOUR FRIENDS KEEP TELLING ME  
I BEAR A STRIKING RESEMBLANCE TO SOMEONE YOU USED TO KNOW  
BUT BABY'S IT'S ME  
SO WHY THE HELL DO YOU KEEP CALLING ME "FLO"  
AND I WOULD HOPE  
THAT YOU WOULD HAVE THE DECENCY TO  
LET ME GO  
IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY 

And why, when I said my last name was Finn, did Xander just get this annoying smile on his face, and his girlfriend giggled, and asked me if I was Irish. That Anya girl, she's a strange one too. She comes up human on my scanner, but she acts like a two year old sometimes. Then again, I couldn't even tell Hostile Seventeen was living with Giles until I went into drug deprivation.

BUT YOU KEEP REASSURING ME  
TELLING ME TO JUST QUIT TRIPPING ON IT  
AND MAYBE ITS ME  
I GUESS THAT I SHOULD PROBABLY GET A GRIP ON IT  
"BUT" ITS HARD TO DO  
EVERY TIME I SEE THAT TATTOO  
OVER YOUR HEART  
IT AINT RIGHT I CANT EVEN LOOK AT YOU 

And why, does Buffy have a tattoo on her shoulder? I've seen the same one on Giles, but all she'll say is it's a bad memory, and mention Ethan Raine. Then she'll say avoid the subject, as if she'll give something away about herself. Something she doesn't want me to know.

WHY YOU DOING WHAT YOU'RE DOING  
YOU SHOULD BE DOING WHAT YOU WANT  
WHO THE FUCK YOU THINK YOU'RE FOOLING  
SHE'S THE ONE YOU WANT 

And sometimes, I find pictures, of a dark haired man, always clinging to Buffy as if she were his last lifeline. There all dated, and starting just after her seventeenth birthday, this man disappeared from her life for almost a year. Then, somehow, he's in her senior prom photo. I found a battered book of poetry, with an inscription, Always, but the name below was smudged. 

FLORENCE IF YOU HEAR THIS WONT YOU  
COME AND TAKE YOUR GIRLFRIEND BACK  
SHE'S BEEN CALLING OUT YOUR NAME  
EVERY TIME WE'RE IN THE SACK  
SHE'S BEEN A MESS SINCE YOU'VE BEEN APART  
SO FLO IF YOU HAD HALF A HEART  
FLORENCE CAN YOU HEAR ME  
CAN YOU HEAR ME FLO  
FLORENCE CAN YOU HEAR  
CAN YOU HEAR ME FLO 

I think his name is Angel, because that's what she says in her sleep. And I wonder how he could bear to leave her, because I've only know Buffy for a few months, and already I know I don't want to live without her. But I get this sinking feeling that I'm just here to fill the void in her bed, that space HE should be filling.

WERE BEEN GOING FOR A WHILE  
BUT LATELY SHE'S BEEN SOMEWHERE ELSE  
SHE DON'T EVEN SMILE  
AND I THINK ITS A CRY FOR "HELP"  
AND I WOULD PRAY  
THAT YOU WOULD HAVE THE COMMON COURTESY  
TO TAKE HER AWAY  
IT AINT RIGHT SHE DON'T BELONG TO ME 

And her friends, the Scoobies, as she calls them, they look at me like the plauge. Anya, ever blunt says that Buffy doesn't belong to me, and the sooner I relize that she won't ever love me the better. Of course, then she started ranting about how if she still could, she give me botulism, and that even in another reality, Buffy's heart belonged to another.

WHY YOU DOING WHAT YOU'RE DOING  
YOU SHOULD BE DOING WHAT YOU WANT  
YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE YOUR FOOLING  
SHE'S THE ONE THE ONE YOU WANT 

The scar on her neck, she'd had it since we met. Willow told me most vampire bites heal in a few weeks. I didn't ask Buffy about it, because I'm not sure she would have told me the truth, so I asked Willow. All she would say is it was Faith's fault. Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't you have to be a vampire to cause a giant scar on someone's neck?

FLORENCE IF YOU HEAR THIS WONT YOU COME AND PICK YOUR GIRLFRIEND UP  
SHE'S BEEN TALKING IN HER SLEEP AND I THINK I'VE HAD ENOUGH  
SHE'S BEEN A WRECK SINCE YOU'VE BEEN AWAY  
SO FLO IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY  
FLORENCE CAN YOU HEAR  
CAN YOU HEAR ME FLO  
FLORENCE CAN YOU HEAR  


CAN YOU HEAR ME FLO  
FLORENCE CAN YOU HEAR  
CAN YOU HEAR ME FLO  
FLORENCE CAN YOU HEAR  
CAN YOU HEAR ME

I love the Buffy she shows me. The others, and this mysterious Angel, they love the real Buffy. I bet they even know the plural of apocalypse. Okay, so she's not exactly calling me Flo, but I keep waiting for her to cry out Angel while in my arms. And when it happens, I won't say anything, and she'll think it was just in her head. I won't say anything because there's so little I know about her. Because I don't even know if there really is an Angel. Maybe he's just a figment of my imagination. So why does Willow feel this compulsion to play her Smashmouth CD every time I wait in their dorm for Buffy? Why is her five CD mixer programmed to play Flo, then Uninvited, and if I'm there long enough, Building A Mystery? So why do I feel like I should read this diary she accidentally left her, and look for any references to an Irishman named Angel? 


	2. Love She Can't Live Without

Author's Notes: There is a reason I don't listen to country. That reason is it makes such a good song fic. Then, I heard this song, and one other, and absolutely had to write these two tales. I own nothing but John, and he's only called that because of the song. Anyway, the basis of this tale. Several years from now, Buffy is marrying Riley, and even as she does so, she knows he's not really what she needs. Song written by Clint Black & Skip Ewing.

Love She Can't Live Without 

Companion piece to 'Could've Been Me'

As Willow did up the fastens on the back of Buffy's dress, she wondered why she'd told Riley yes when he'd asked her to marry him in February. He thought she was over Angel, but he was so very wrong. "Willow, I don't know if I can go through with this."

Willow closed the last snap. "I can't help you with that, Buffy. What I can tell you is that no one will be surprised but the groom if you don't walk down the aisle."

"The gang that perceptive?" Buffy wrinkled her nose. 

"Not many happy brides to be spend all their spare time in their ex-boyfriend's mansion." Willow began to pin up Buffy's hair. "Just answer this question. Do you love him?"

"Yes, and he's good, and caring, and can be with me in the daylight. Why do I feel like that's not enough?" Buffy stared into the mirror.

****

He gives her attention, he's constantly, carefully planting the seeds

The only thing missing, is really the only thing she needs

And he can't give that to her and she can't find it with him

So she'll have to find her way out of love she's not really in

"Because if Riley hadn't asked you to marry him, and you two eventually broke up, you wouldn't morn him for five years. Because Riley didn't know it wasn't you." Willow coiled the braid around Buffy's head, just inside where the veil band would be.

"Because he isn't Angel." Buffy sighed miserably. "If I do this, is it fair to Riley?"

The door opened and shut, and Buffy saw Xander come in. "You're ready. I'm surprised."

"So am I." Buffy settled the veil on her head, glad it would cover whatever tears she shed. "If I don't do this, has anything really changed?"

"If you do this, have you really solved anything? As much as I disliked Angel, I knew how much you loved him. And that makes me hate Riley all the more, because even though you're marrying him…." Xander turned Buffy to face him. "You can't love him anymore than you love me, or Giles, or Willow. And if you don't, you're not in love, you just love."

****

She can live with what goes with leaving

She knows it's the only way

Though it kills her to give up believin'

She can't live with herself if she stays

She could settle for what she'd be feeling

If she gave in and worked this one out

She doesn't want the kind of love she can live with

She wants the kind of love she can't live without

"I know." Buffy started to cry again, looking at herself, and seeing no joy. "If I walk up that aisle, I lose everything I am."

"Buffy, don't do this." Willow hugs Buffy to her.

"I have to." Her voice cracks. "I'll never be his, but I can never be Angel's again, not really. I have to let him go, and move on."

"Even if it's with a man who, after four years, still wouldn't be able to tell if you weren't you?" Xander whispered into her ear.

****

She looks in the mirror and sees all the sadness in her eyes

It's never been clearer what he's asking her to sacrifice

But she can't be his forever, she can't even be his for now

She'll have to be kind to them both and let go of him somehow

"Even if." Buffy unhooked the cross she hadn't taken off since Riley had proposed. Angel's cross. She walked into the lobby, and took Giles' arm.

Giles looked at his charge, and knew she didn't really want to do this. He alone knew Angel had been trying to get in touch with her for months. Only he knew why, and knew it would only take a single sentence to stop this travesty. But still waters run deep, and he couldn't say the words. "Are you ready?"

"No, but let's go." The wedding march starts, and they walk down the aisle. Buffy listens in a haze as the preacher performs the ceremony, knowing in her heart how wrong this is. Yet through her tears, she still says, "I do." 

****

She can live with what goes with leaving

She knows it's the only way

Though it kills her to give up believin'

She can't live with herself if she stays

She could settle for what she'd be feeling

If she gave in and worked this one out

She doesn't want the kind of love she can live with

She wants the kind of love she can't live without

And she sees that man in the third row almost rise, and wonders why. She almost wishes he had. In the reception line, he stares into her eyes as she gives him a peck on the cheek. "Are you one of Riley's friends?"

"Yes. I hope he makes you happy." 

"What's your name?" Buffy asks, ignoring the happy remark.

"John Brahman. I almost stood up." John tells her quietly before giving Riley a handshake that seems cold between friends, and walks away. His car has Los Angeles tags.

****

And hardest part is she loves him

But she doesn't want the kind of love she can live with

She wants the kind of love she can't live without

A month later, Buffy opens a card in her mail. It's from John Brahman. Inside is a snapshot of Angel taken at a beach at high noon. And she remembers the hangups on her answering machine. The photo fluttered from her hands, and Buffy screams at the cruelty of it as she sees the note on the back. 'I almost stood up. The day you gave up on him was the day he came back for you.'

Comments, questions, concerns for my sanity go to [cobalite@yahoo.com][1]

Part of a planned trilogy. Send me suggestions for the third song.

   [1]: mailto:cobalite@yahoo.com



	3. Could've Been Me

Author's Notes: There is a reason I don't listen to country. That reason is it makes such a good song fic. Then, I heard this song, and one other, and absolutely had to write these two tales. I think this is the fourth or fifth fic I've written about Angel's redemption. I own nothing but John, and he's only called that because of the song. Anyway, the basis of this tale. Several years from now, Angel shanshu's and doesn't tell Buffy. Then, one of his friends in Sunnydale come and tell him Buffy's gotten married. Song written by Reed Nielsen & Monty Powell.

Could've Been Me

Companion piece to 'Love She Can't Live Without'

Angel leaned back at his desk, just staring at the window, who's shade now was always up. It still surprised him he wasn't afraid of sunlight, but assumed that reflex had left with the demon. He watched Cordelia out of the corner of his eye interrogate a client. He'd kept the business, but these days most cases were of the ordinary, non-demon variety. The front door opened, and man with sandy brown hair slipped in.

"John." Angel waved his friend in with a smile. "Thought you went home for your friend's wedding."

John Brahman looked nervous. "Angel, did I ever tell you how I learned about the supernatural?"

"You're from Sunnydale. What you knew should have been taught to Kindergartners." Angel could sense John's apprehension.

"I was in the Initiative, Angel. I came to LA after we disbanded because I couldn't go back to living a normal life." John watched Angel's mind real. "The man who's wedding I went to, I knew him, but not his girl."

"Just say it, John." Angel was worried, not about the Initiative part, but what was coming next.

"I just attended the wedding of Riley Finn and Buffy Summers." And then John watched as Angel's world fell apart.

****

I hear you just got married,

Took a month long honeymoon,

And you were all smiles at the wedding,

You cried when you kissed the groom.

I got no invitation.

I guess the mailman didn't bring it to me.

But I see the whole thing in slow motion

Every night as I try to sleep.

Angel inhaled deeply, trying to remember to breath. "Did she look happy?"

"Angel…don't do this to yourself." John hesitated to tell him.

"Damn it, John, tell me!" If Angel could have vamped out, he would have.

"She looked happy, I guess." John had to sit down, glad his pal could no longer rip out his throat. "When the priest asked for objections, I almost stood up, you know."

"That's insane. She's happy. That's all I ever wanted for her, no matter how much it hurts me." Angel wished someone would rip out his beating heart.

"All I could think was it could've been you with her."  
****

My buddy John said you looked real pretty

And you acted like you were in love.

He said the preacher asked for objections

And he thought about standin' up.

I told John he must have been crazy

'Cause you were just about to say I do.

He just gave me a wink and said all he could think

Was it could've been me with you.

"She's not mine anymore, if she ever was. She was only seventeen." Angel had long ago rationalized things to himself, the words hollow as he said them.

"She was always yours. She was crying as she said her vows." John whispered.

****

It could've been me

Standin' there with you.

It could've been me

And my dreams comin' true.

But those dreams move on

If you wait too long.

It took me 'til now to see

It could've been me.

Angel tore his gaze away. "My humanity, it was supposed to be for her. The day I got it, I went to Sunnydale. I went at night, so she wouldn't know until I told her. She wasn't in. I hadn't even realized it was Valentines day, you see."

"That was the night he proposed." John hated to put another hole in Angel's already tattered heart.

Angel threw a ring box on the desk. "Great minds think alike."

****

I don't guess I ever told you

That I went out and bought you a ring.

I even carried it around in my pocket

Waitin' to say the right thing.

I pulled it out the other day,

But the diamond had lost its shine.

Well, I know how it feels 'cause my eyes grow dim

When I think you could have been mine.

"You'd already gotten a ring?" 

"I'd already given her a ring, but she lost hers, just like I'd lost mine. Thought maybe she'd want another one." Angel picked up the ring box, resisting the urge to chuck it out the window.

****

It could've been me

Standin' there with you.

It could've been me

And my dreams comin' true.

But those dreams move on

If you wait too long.

It took me 'til now to see

It could've been me.

"Does she even know?" John knew she couldn't, but had to ask.

"No. Near the end, she was never home. It's obvious now, isn't it, who she was with." Angel's venomous words were perfectly calm.

****

I know I called you just in time to be too late.

You know dreams move on if you wait too long.

It took me 'til now to see that

"I waited an hour too long, my friend. If I'd shown at five instead of six, she could have been mind." Angel opened the box, and pulled out the ring.

****

It could've been me

Standin' there with you.

It could've been me

And my dreams comin' true.

But those dreams move on

If you wait too long.

It took me 'til now to see

It could've been me.

"You had no way of knowing." John knew his consolation was in vain as Angel crushed the ring under his boot heel.

"It could've been me."

****

It could've been me

It could've been me

It could've been me

It could've been me

A few weeks later, John dropped a letter into the mailbox. 

Comments, questions, concerns for my sanity go to [cobalite@yahoo.com][1]

Part of a planned trilogy. Send me suggestions for the third song.

   [1]: mailto:cobalite@yahoo.com



	4. Back to Good

Author's Notes: Wow, I seem to have caused quite a controversy. Could've Been Me and Love She Can't Live Without have gotten more hits in under a week than some of my other stories have in a year. Listen, these stories are not promoting a B/R shippeness on my part. It's exactly the opposite. She only married him because she felt she had no other choice. This is the final part of the trilogy, told six months after the first two parts. Song written by Matchbox 20. 

Back To Good

By Cobalite Ice

Buffy dressed quickly, knowing if she wanted to be home by morning that she had to leave within the hour. "I have to leave soon."

"Why do you keep doing this to yourself, baby?" Angel sat up on the bed, watching Buffy dress. "This isn't good for you."

I don't know. It's not good for you either. I'm pretty sure adultery is blemishing that freshly washed soul of yours." Buffy's voice was without sarcasm, and she dropped on the bed beside her. Angel wrapped his arms around her. "I shouldn't come here anymore. I should let you move on."

"We both know neither of those things are possible."

****

It's nothing, it's so normal you

Just stand there I could say so much

But I don't go there 'cuz I don't want to

I was thinking if you were lonely

Maybe we could leave here and no one would know

At least not to the point that we would think so

Riley wasn't sleeping, again. It happened at least once a week, when he woke up in the middle of the night and only find an empty space beside him. 'I know she's cheating, but not with who. I'm not even sure I want to know.'

He's getting tired of the looks Willow gives him, and he knows she knows. Riley almost screamed. 'That, _You'll never be good enough_ look. She's the one that got us together in the first place. Hypocrite!'

****

Everyone here, knows everone here is thinking about somebody else

It's best if we all keep this under our heads

I couldn't tell, if anyone here was feeling the way I do

But I'm lonely now, and I don't know how

To get it back to good

'And Xander, let's not even go there. Over the years, he's come to hate me more than Angel.' Riley stopped thinking as he heard quiet footfalls enter the house. Riley quickly crawled back under the covers, and Buffy came in. 

She slipped into bed after getting undressed, intent on getting an hour or two of sleep. "Oh god, why am I still here?"

Half an hour later, Buffy was sound asleep. If her sins had any effect on her, they showed not in slumber. Riley was still wide-awake. 'It doesn't matter that I love her, because she doesn't love me anymore, if she ever did.' He stroked her cheek. "I don't know why you're still here either."

****

This don't mean that, you own me

This ain't no good, in fact it's phony as hell

But things worked out just like you wanted too

If you see me out you don't know me

Try to turn your head, try to give me some room

To figure out just what I'm going to do

Buffy lay in Angel's arms, her head pillowed on his chest. "I don't wanna go back, Angel."

"Then don't. Stay here with me. No one cares, anymore. They don't bother to hate me anymore. All they want is for you to be finally be happy, and that's all I want for you too." Angel clenched her tighter. "Are you happy?"

"Only with you." Buffy mummery, and fell asleep. It would be the first time in Buffy's memory they'd spent an entire night together.

****

And everyone here, hates everyone here for doing just like they do

It's best if we all keep this quiet instead

And I couldn't tell, why everyone here was doing me like they do

But I'm sorry now, and I don't know how

To get it back to good

Morning came, and Riley woke up alone. He'd finally reached his breaking point. That's why, at six a.m. he was rapping on Giles' door. The Watcher was up, surprisingly. "Riley. What can I do for you?"

"Where is she?" Riley ground out.

"Where is who?" Giles played dumb, knowing the inevitable had finally occurred. Buffy hadn't come home last night, and since Giles felt responsible for causing this fiasco of a marriage, he would keep Buffy's secret as long as possible.

"Buffy! Where is she? Who's she with?" Riley stormed into Giles apartment, not willing to except any more lies or evasions. He would not leave without answers.

****

Everyone here, is wondering what it's like to be with somebody else

Everyone here's to blame, everyone here

Get's caught up in the pleasure of the pain, everyone hides

Shades of shame, but looking inside we're the same, we're the same

And we're all grown now, but we don't know how

To get it back to good

She closed the snaps on her suitcase. Riley watched, unnoticed, from the door. "You're finally leaving, I see."

"Yeah." She couldn't look him in the eye. "How long have you know?"

"Long time. They all fed me lines about patrols, but I could only believe them for so long. Giles tried to talk circles around me for three hours this morning, but I couldn't believe a word of it." Riley was beyond bitter.

Buffy walked out the door, and put her suitcase in the trunk. "All I want is my clothes and jewelry. You can have everything else. The other car, the apartment, it's all yours."

Riley had one last question. "Who is he? Do I know him?"

Buffy smiled sadly, and handed him a photograph. It was creased, as if folded and crumpled many times.

****

Everyone here, knows everyone here is thinking 'bout somebody else

It's best if we all keep this under our heads 

I couldn't tell, if anyone here was feeling the way I do

But it's over now, and I don't know how, it's over now

There's no getting back to good

She closed the snaps on her suitcase. Riley watched, unnoticed, from the door. "You're finally leaving, I see."

"Yeah." She couldn't look him in the eye. "How long have you know?"

"Long time. They all fed me lines about patrols, but I could only believe them for so long. Giles tried to talk circles around me for three hours this morning, but I couldn't believe a word of it." Riley was beyond bitter.

Buffy walked out the door, and put her suitcase in the trunk. "All I want is my clothes and jewelry. You can have everything else. The other car, the apartment, it's all yours."

Riley had one last question. "Who is he? Do I know him?"

Buffy smiled sadly, and handed him a photograph. It was creased, as if folded and crumpled many times.

As she drove off, Riley read the picture John had sent Buffy the day she came home from their honeymoon. "I almost stood up. The day you gave up on him was the day he came back for you." The picture fluttered from his fingers. "I guess, I always knew, I'd lose her to him. There's no getting back to good."

Comments, questions, concerns for my sanity go to [cobalite@yahoo.com][1]

Part three of a planned trilogy.

   [1]: mailto:cobalite@yahoo.com



End file.
